Poetically Expressed

Adultery

2012-01-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

Sleepless nights,
promises and secrets
pent up behind me
tensed up inside me
The story of the unborn
Haunting beside me
Whose going to guide me
The foolish mistake
To let lust engage me
Left better judgement
To escape me
I have forsaken me
For a we that's turned
Into a three
And now that I've subtracted it
how can I look at thee
The mirror cringes at the mere sight of me
Eyes darkened like the sight of death on the cloudiest day you see
my Eyes feeling heavy like I can't stay awake
But I just wish for the day
That I can sleep with no regrets
My sleep is never sleep
Eyes closed with thoughts of dreams
Awake in sleep dreaming of how I thought it would never be me
Passed judgements on those
Who I thought to be beneath me for the choices they made to live
Being labeled for a decision that they thought would be fitting
Fit for an unfit mother to be
we stray
Stitch that red A on my chest
Shun me for being morally incorrect
Smile at me and wait till I turn my back to walk away
To say things that my conscience screams at me everyday
Nothing compares to the pain I felt for
The selfish decision I made for a misconception of reality because
Contraception was too far away to reach
And I thought one exception was a mild thing
Allowed my mind to be deceived by the liquor in me
I shouldn't have poured that last cup before I got home
Because the pouring hasn't stopped since that night he and I made a we
and turned into a three
And after that subtraction
In my mind it's rained for weeks
And still the sorrows that I've buried haven't drowned and dried into
weeds.

Window

2012-01-12T03:46:00.001-08:00

As the rain hits my window
—pane
Struggles with sleep
Not sure if its a late night
Or an early morning
City moving cautiously
Days like these facilitate
Hazardous mistakes
Rain should cleanse the
Palettes of life
It seems preoccupied
Filling potholes in the street
Empty voids
Making it more obvious
That something’s missing
Making walls transparent
Putting misery in plain sight
Blurring eye sight
As the rain hits my window
—pain

Infidelity

2012-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

Ive dreamt of love the way that it was meant to be
Dates that end like romantic comedies
Obsessive thoughts like that of those reflected
in Shakespeare's old english sonnets
The kind that ends happily ever after
and sees no color like the love in pochahontas

but the only fairy dust being spread in reality
are thoughts that turn into desires
and transform into betrayals
the kind of actions that cause the blood flowing
through our veins to clog up so we become numb
to the promises made in the mere past of our present
till we receive the satisfaction
from the superficial temptations we desire

Infidelity; the only dependable reality
in the loving relationships we seek because
Monogamy; in this age maybe nothing but a dream.

—Just Write

2012-01-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

Just Write—

Currently Awaiting

that moment in time

But every time I’m near

father time rewinds

Just Write—

Dealing with betrayal

too often at times

Can’t seem to find the road

with out snakes in sight

Just Write—

Been sprung off money

all summer Withdrawing

off times when

dry cereal was my supper

Just Write—

Brain currently congested

cause my mentals allergic

To questions left unanswered

with no potential solution

Just Write—

Filling this constant void

with him this summer

Had me caught up

momentarily in the end

Just Write—

But then fall

was a reality check

and more than just a reason

to walk away

Just Write—

I’ve lost too many

“best friends” in the past

maybe thats because they were

never really my friends at all

Just Write—

Everyone seems to

let me down

maybe I just expect too much

from people at times

Just Write—

I hate being on campus now

I feel like a feather

locked in a tool box

when I’m there

Just Write—

until things come together

or just seem right

but they never do so

I continue to

—Just Write

No One Will Ever

2011-09-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Every moment we shared

Every experience we encountered

Every tear we've cried for one another

will never be forgotten or compared to and

.. No one will ever love you my way

If your loving for convenience

If your loving for safety and you think its right

and its making you happy for the time being

then I 'm happy for you just realize that

.. No one will ever love you my way

We've pushed each other to grow

Moved each other to desire more

taught each other to dream bigger

if thats not all the love you ever needed just know that

.. No one will ever love you my way

If your in denial like I and think

for just a second were meant to be apart

remember that feeling attached to every single

moment of time we spent together and know that

.. No one will ever love you my way

I miss you

2011-08-15T04:56:00.001-07:00

Is it too soon to miss you
Because my mind is so fixated it wont let any other thought in
Or is it just too soon to let you know
Because I want to give you my all
But I'm not sure if you want it yet
Not sure if your willing to work for it yet
But I'm reassured that if I told you I'd sleep better tonight for sure
So should I tell you or leave it alone
keep you guessing or let you know
I'm no longer comfortable with the feeling of sleeping alone
Because of the way you hold me and make me feel whole
I just want you all the time in the worst way
When I'm alone i want you to be somewhere close to me
Guilt takes hold of me whenever I engage in conversation with anyone else
The thought of potentially having you to myself outweighs the mere idea of any one else
And all I do is think about you
Like your a test I'm scared to fail
But I know I'm well prepared I just need you to know I am

Obsession

2011-07-31T21:38:00.001-07:00

tonight you politely undressed me with your eyes
i felt alone with you in a room filled with the
non existence of other people
perplexed by your stare
that i caught only for a mere second
from my peripheral vision
intensity building within me as if you were in me
mentally, by way of my mind that is
I am obsessed with your being
being that your respectability seemingly is appealing
not to mention the fact
that your authenticity speaks to me
leaving me helplessly lost in your eyes
I’m at a lost of what to do to get to you
except when were alone
nothing compares to how naturally we flow
Sometimes I wish that
I was the type of female to remain jaded
I want to be swept off my feet
like in one of those corny little love movies
but I think too much in order to
allow romance to guide my decisions
my nature doesn’t allow me to walk around blindly
even when my mind obsessively fills itself
with thoughts of you and me and we
My obsession for control outweighs it naturally.

change

2011-07-31T21:36:00.001-07:00

Lately you've been as dependable as the weather changes
your wind chill sporadically springs up my spine
your character has been nothing near summertime fine
It seems as though mother nature and father time
no longer seem to coincide when it comes to you and I
and there is simply never a reason why

Thoughts

2011-07-31T21:35:00.001-07:00

audacity
to dare to compare
skill level irrelevant
to this reflection
of me you see when
in front of the mirror
of your dreams
mind poisoned
in this case
you will never see
what you want to get
I make this shit
look easy
so take notes
before you attempt
to make promises
of things that
history shows you
cant upkeep… That is all.

You Claim

2011-07-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

You claim to have the family’s best interest at heart
beg of my mother everyday to give you a second shot
so tell me why your daughter lays beside me tonight
wondering why her daddy hasn’t called
my sister wants to know where you disappear to at night
and as she lays under me asking me questions about your whereabouts
there’s no way to explain to an 8 year old that her daddy is mentally lost
midlife no wife a crisis that must be tough but
disappearing on drunken binges every now and then
are things that just don’t check out
he doesn’t want to deal with reality
so he drinks his sober thoughts away
and as he drinks the toxins infiltrate through her eyes
and as he continues to damage his brain
he relentlessly damages her heart.

Untold

2011-07-31T21:31:00.001-07:00

theres a story that my mouth has been itching to spill a void in my soul that my heart has been killing to fill
its a burden on my mind that my conscience refuses to let go
and I’m just simply in need of a pair of ears that will listen to me
as i let go

Dear Past

2011-07-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Past
I’m sorry for holding on so long i fell in comfort with being your comfort and I thought we would last

Dear Past I promise you i I’m not mad I allowed myself to remain entangled with lies but this morning the sun rose and i realized Dear past

you’ve been selfish long enough if you miss me don’t call I’ve taken my heart out of storage and given it to someone else Dear Past

I think its time to separate my present future from the past because i am a prize that you lost sight of

Dear Past Our time has come to an end and I promise I’m not mad It’s just better this way

Sincerely
the one you promised to love.

21

2011-06-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Mandate your own educational expectations

State exam test scores hold no weight in the final copy of the story of your life

Expect less and gain more

Don’t take advice from jealous whores

Believe in your better sense of judgment even when you’re insecure

Don’t second guess a major step or you’ll trip and fall to the floor

Falling down is not falling down unless you cry when you hit the floor

Motivate yourself to cross the finish line even when it isn’t in your sight

If you drop the ball refocus yourself and pick it up

Dreaming big is not good enough

Actions speak louder than words all the time

So don’t talk big unless you can back it up

Sleeping late on weekdays is a waste of time

Be productive don’t waste life because once it’s gone there’s no rewinding father time

Practice what you preach

Don’t allow anyone to hold you back

Be a leader not a follower and be proud of yourself and your own accomplishments

Don’t dawn on what you lack

Don’t make pennies to spend dimes

Material things are not the end all be all of life

Mourning regret will always get you down

So instead learn from mistakes and just let the bad memories die

Respect yourself and the ones that you love

Remember to exercise your creative inclinations any chance that you have at all

Disregard the Medias definition on individualism

Closing your mind only restricts you abilities to exploring new things

Raise your standards and stop settling for less

Think enough but not too much

Realize that the small things do always count

Even if you get no shine in the small minds of others

When you know your own worth no one can take that from you

Don’t speed through life you’ll miss the facts

21 years of life have taught me just that

A Phase

2011-06-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

i thought it was a simple phase
but from the moment that my heart was
broken
shattered
spat
and stepped on
i haven't been the same

my emotions appear to be non existent
but the truth of the matter is that there
hidden
lost
suppressed
and often unexplained
and this cant seem to change

What’s Next for Us ((Part III))

2011-06-14T21:55:00.001-07:00

What’s Next for Us ((Part III))

I hope you read the terms of agreements

When you take upon the ownership of my heart

Because the shits non-refundable

It will be yours for the rest of your life

I hope you take the time to understand

How much I plan to invest

It is written in the fine print

Pumping through the aorta in my chest

We had each-others love locked down once

On some robo-cop status

Street lights need not shed light on our mistakes

Because the good life we planned to not take for granted

When you checked the box stating

‘I have read the terms of agreements’

And when you clicked ‘I agree’ without really reading

You overlook my flaws and openly accepted me

No judgment’s at all

Is that where we went wrong?

Because after that I see you in my nightmares

Welcome to heartbreak because the keys of trust were misplaced

We went up to touch the sky came back and nothing was the same

The password of communication disintegrated

Paranoid in thought thinking that the

Agreements were filled with faults

My fault your fault

Blame game

Waste of time

Because in the end

Through the wire of your mistake

Even with all of the lights still on in this place

You incarcerate the deep limbic system of my estate

In a dark comfort of security without flashing lights to scare me away

I knock you down and look away as I know

That it will eventually all fall down once again

And now we sit here

Lost in the world

Wondering what’s next for us

Because when skimming through the terms of agreements

Neither of us read the end.

C.R.E.A.M.

2011-06-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

as i lay here

in the uncomfort

of a financial constriction,

these worries choke the

life out of me like

boa constrictors,

searching for a solution

internally conflicted,

if theres signals

i missed them,

dad i hope you sent

in this months check

because this shit is

getting a tad bit ridiculous,

redundant in nature to say the least,

im carrying on burdens

that i shouldnt be

stressing yet,

work in the AM

so i should be resting,

but instead im restless

in thought

and so i will write till

I make these ends meet

or at least till my mental

relaxes its self

and takes a seat.

Highlighted

2011-02-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

The differences in me
stem from my upbringing
the rarity you see
in the darkness of my eyes
didn’t ascend by luck
it was all just meant to be
within my being theres
an extra chromosome
thats highlighted in pink
and within it contains
every single serene part of me.

Fence

2011-02-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

Stuck

I.. am stuck
between yesterday and today
because even after that call
I still can’t explain my emotional status
to myself,
so please stop asking me questions
that I can’t answer
because I’m on a fence
and I have yet to decide whether I want to climb back down
or move on to the next side
into territory unknown but yet undamaged
greener but yet too fresh to reassure whether or not it will stay the same
so just give me time
to reorganize my mind
that is all I ask.

It's Time

2011-02-20T15:21:00.001-08:00

I know its time to live for myself because I'm

Tired of trying so hard to satisfy the masses
feeling like im in need of magnifying glasses cause i
cant seem to see what they need me to give
so demanding and pristine for reasons that
super-exceed the inner me
headache bumpin hard like the bass was all the way turned up
and i cant even remember the last time i heard
oh Jaimie you did a really good job
where is the positive energy that i need to keep striving
… all i got to do is think back to find it
reach to the foundation of who i am
because that’s where i find the strength to please all but i
now all i got to do is find the foundation to please me myself and
I will find my life at a dynamic equilibrium

Attention Un-paid

2011-02-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

Socializing seems to be your comfort zone
So why is it that in a room filled with people
its me you ignore the most
Do I seem to pose a threat to your flow
Or am I just a nobody
that you just seem to see as irrelevant
Or could it be that you just like me the most
But I must admit that I am in love with your presence
Your attention unpaid makes me think of you daily
Seems like you lately you
have seen me in a lot of places you stay in
It would be nice to simply exist in your present day
But presently it seems as though
you want nothing to do with me
But I know I have a hand in this
We have an unspoken language
in auras and eyes met
And so I will leave it where it stands

Caged Bird

2011-02-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

you think distinctly of me
reluctantly linking me to the
nightmares that you dream
leave me to sleep without
the disturbances of your
wants wishes and needs
let me fly free
you got my wings strapped
to your cage solely for the
security of knowing that I
will always be right there
dont continue to mistake my
cries and screams for that
song that the caged bird sings

there is not one ounce of joy in this.

Quiet Emotion

2011-02-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

is she wrong to state

that she feels the comfort

of his soul penetrating

from her head down to her toes.

they don’t belong to one another

but each other they adore,

and when together one-another’s attention

they effortlessly own.

when their eyes meet,

her feet become weak

but yet stuck distinctly

and their bodies ignite in heat.

their skin doesn’t match,

and their mind sets are

complete opposites that attract,

compatibility seems exact and yet

meekly he stares into the

sudden depths of her soul

that exact sudden depth that she refuses to show

and yet she cant deny

that he makes her feel whole,

and with every second that he holds her

the embrace continues to lure her closer.

they sleep calmly until they wake,

until their eyes can meet once again

and his eyes secretly grace her,

from her face down to her waist

he holds her tightly till she wakes,

makes her feel at home at his own place

and as she stretches and she wakes

her eyes meet his once again and

he says good morning to her and

they go about there general days thinking

about one another without it being said.

What I Think VS What I Know

2011-01-06T02:54:00.000-08:00

I think I’m in love

but I know its just the biggest quintessence of an infatuation,

with a mixture of lust

a sense of likeness with no purpose
I think he’s the perfect guy,

but I know that his exterior may not match his interior

he may just be handing me what my eyes wish to see
and I think we have this connection

but I know I got it bad

and I'm sure he doesn’t know it

because I for one, refuse to show it
and then sometimes I think he shows me compassion

but I think he be curvin’ my text so I just leave him alone

and I know as time passes I’m sure he thinks of me

‘till he misses me enough to come through and scoop me
I think he knows I like him

but I know not to invest any emotion

well at least none that he can see
but I can’t help i

tI know I see something in his stare that scares me and draws me in
but I think I should just leave him alone…

should I got with what I think or what I know?

Our Encounters

2010-12-11T16:28:00.000-08:00

never planned or expected
still he steals my attention
from any other interested eyes
in the room
these guys they despise him
or so they should
because with out a try
he got me fixated on his every move
respected by many
and loved by a few
he got more than enough hoes
so he respects the way that I move
understands that no doesn’t mean that
I don’t feel the same way he feels for me
a deep stare from his eyes
relaxes my mind for the night
no games in hindsight
he the type of nigga that can hold me down
the type of dub that’s too good to be true
he gotta be laced with something you see
everytime I take a pull
exhaling is never easy
I feel as though a piece of him stays within me
style impeccable, swagged out like no other
yet his intellect surpasses that of the majority
chemistry like we were meant to be
yet chill around one another like we family
the comfort of his arms
is a feeling that I had far forgotten
till he held me perfectly
my body molded into his as if
that’s the way it was meant to be
somebody please tell me
that they know what I mean
damn i got it bad, but he’s the type of guy
that i just got to have.

home

2010-12-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

honey im home she belts as she walks through the door

baggage dropped in the hallway

like its been weighing her down to the floor

mind cleared of clouds steered by all the things she wants yet fears

motivation driven by the determination she feels within

help not needed by those around her

because around her no one stood

when she needed them there for support

so as she walks through the door she belts honey im home

and she leaves her baggage in the hallway

by the door.

cuffing season… I think not.

2010-12-09T13:25:00.001-08:00

So I heard you wanna cuff

is it cause its winter

you afraid the snows gonna fall

and youll be all alone this season

I heard you wanna cuff

but your tactics just seem

to be all fucked up

it aint just about what you want

Who truly desires to be cuffed?

locked away with a key

hands restricted from moving

restrained thought in motion tell me world

do you wish to be cuffed?

cuffed tight by a significant other

like a racist cop

so that after were done I can have the

marks and bruises on my wrist

in memory of the love and pain

you’ve inflicted on me

sorry … no thanks

i’ll pass

i prefer things done the old fashioned way

how about you take me on a date first

then we can talk about the rest.

high demand

2010-12-09T13:22:00.001-08:00

On high demand like an iPhone 4

Problem is none of my potential

Consumers can be suitors

They don’t pose the prose

That can match my own

Left, right, all around no one

Seems to be right… so I move on

Cross them out, walk forward

Without looking back

On to the next but no one

Gets granted an all access pass

I destroy their egos without

As much as a conscious thought

It’s not my fault you talked a big game

But couldn’t back it up x__X

Mini Skirt

2010-12-09T13:00:00.001-08:00

i stare hypocrisy in the face
bold and blankly like the pinnacle of their fate
i feel the intensity of despise in your eyes
and you hawk me down
as i strut around with my head held high
in my mini skirt… yes mini skirt that hugs my physique just right
so i continue to sway my hips in that rhythmic way
ipod on shuffle volume on max
the therapy to my life
take a second and compare
think of where you were at when you were my age
and what you were wearing
i swear you ‘~~church~~’ people need to be prayed for
“she should respect herself” she whispers
“her skirt is too short” she says
…BITCH its just fashion
but then i’d be wrong if i slurred those words to her in disgust
with the serpent of a tongue i possess
and the venomous vocabulary i’ve been blessed with
but instead i just pleasantly smiled and walked away
turned the other cheek like the word says
because if i dared to break on you
all of this around us would tumble down faster then the walls of Jericho
walkin around actin like you saved
go on with your bad self
of course you want to be saved now
now that you’ve lived your life in its entirety
im just askin for the equal chance to do the same
now that your prepared to kneel down in the name of Christ
you dare to judge me like im doing something wrong
but you fail to realize that my faith is different
my path to him has not been paved in your direction
my God understands me an accepts me the way
that i am… even in my mini skirt.

just writing.

2010-12-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

If I allow all my worries to cascade and defeat me

my balance on life will fail and

the pedestal below me will collapse as well

why do I allow my weaknesses to be exposed to you

time and time again

when in the end you just don’t care to understand

I write my worries on the soles of my shoes

I refuse to carry them on my shoulders

they remain where the pain is less obvious

I feel their discomfort through every step I take in life

I’d much rather walk barefooted on rocks

but yet I keep them there so that they are

not seen by your judgement filled eyes

but rather a constant reminder of the weight

of the odds that I have to fight in order to

climb my life’s mountain and reach the top.

Vengeance

2010-12-07T04:06:00.000-08:00

Around this time of the year...

is usually when the true colors show any ways

the cold makes it harder to put up a warm front

chills down my spine make it hard to walk

you watch me from behind

eyes of green, dream serene

thoughts of blades you aim to shoot

at me take a U-turn, reality forces you to reverse them

into your unconscious target for the person you

truly hate who lives within

we were engaged in a false friendship

that like the green of the grass disappeared

at the smell of the winter snow to come

disguised you played me

used me to achieve things that you indeed

did not believe

before you met me

a nightmare on elm street is what you are to me

my mind sits still in a state of disbelief

but a magician never reveals there biggest tricks

and you should watch avidly

because im sure your not ready for the

next stunt I have up my sleeve

you my dear have just met

the malicious side of me

Dear Mona Lisa

2010-12-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

why the false testimony

what should I trust

your painted on smile

or the darkness of your eyes

did the painter deceive your emotion

or did you deceive his

in this world too large to fit

on your canvas

how could we ever comprehend

and detect the truth

today I borrowed your smile

but i promise you can have it back

because to fool others

is to torment yourself

dealing with a reality that

crawls through you like

the blood in your veins

dreams undreamt

tell me why you forced your face

to smile when your soul frowns?

humans need

2010-12-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

college love

dream of me

because I know the dirt isn’t as thin as it seems

you made me believe that you and I were meant to be

but you can’t give me that one thing that I need

that one pleasure I deserve

that everything that I solely yearn

babe I’m talkin’ bout honesty

I’m that type of chick that’s quick to live and learn

yeah I can fall back and play that clueless role

that manipulate him to respect my ever command role

but games just aren’t a part of my novel boy

I live and learn

Heartbreak Vol. 1

2010-09-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

Should've wanted me when you had me
now you got to watch the beauty you could have had on the next mans arm
and you know that I ain't mean to cause you any harm
but i guess the damage is done
you claim that I took your heart and ran away with it
but truth be told you allowed your heart to lay and stay away dormant
I looked in my pockets and your heart wasn't there
you probably lost it
its probably in hiding because it got tired of being
played, betrayed and wasted away
So dream me when you hold that emptiness tight
because I'm the one you should've wanted
when you had the chance to treat me right.

Black Page

2010-09-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

I wish pain was written in pencil
and I was a blank page
so that the scars of the past could be easily erased
disappeared, like that show
Without A Trace
a smooth yellow number 2
like the ones I was forced to take those state tests with
I could bubble in those blank circles with out fear
so that if I made a mistake I could effortlessly
change my answer or make it disappear
a number two pencil
so that I could go back to a blank page
after an error had taken place.

Or maybe should I wish to be a white board
so that my life can be written in expo markers instead
make a mistake wipe it clean back to its
original stage of purity
back to its white blankness
or should I say blank whiteness
another chance to mess up without any reprimands
How about white chalk on concrete
just wait for the rain and it will be right back to where it started
but me I wasn't so lucky

I was born a black page

nothing but a scar from the day I entered this world
and my accounts are written in sharpies and pens
that bleed and scratch their permanent
expressions onto my page
every error and rough draft remains
nothing but layers of mistakes
oh but wait I have white-out, oh please

they don't make such heavenly creations for black pages
black out see how pretty that sounds
but when mistakes do occur that is the result
I blackOUT
but then I remember
all these scribbles, scratches, corrections, mistakes
displayed on my skin are nothing but character
my black page tells stories of pains that taught lessons
fights that caused dreams accomplished
my life ... nothing less and nothing more
but a black page.

2010-09-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

My feelings for you
blue like the sky above
unattainable in delight
bittersweet like
rain drops on a
summer day
a dream i let go
like a kite
that flew away
empty like a balloon
filled with hot air
there's something there
but its not there
unusable air
but then again life
wasn't meant to be fair.

dreams are for dreamers

2010-08-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Dreams are for dreamers
i like to think of my hopes and wishes
as potential goals and possibilities
i set my sights pending my capabilities
wishful thinking is nothing but
hopeful setups for disappointment
gracious god give me the strength to be
hopeful
and the clarity to be reasonable in this environment
and i usually don't pray often
and I'm sorry for this
but defeat isn't something I'm comfortable with
lately the walls
they've been caving in on me
provide me with the ladder
to climb out of this box i stand cluttered in
I've opened up the windows
but they seem to be lined with cement blocks
the only rain i feel are the
solemn drops that accumalte
and flood from my ducts
when no one is looking
when i need to release
i write i type i think
i fight within me
because to feel like this there
got to be something wrong
within me...
but there isn't
its just the path that was intended for me to take
made to build me stronger in every possible way.

Present...Future...Past

2010-08-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna even lie

its like a ounce of him still exists within me

but i don't even display a drop of that emotion

its like my sentiments remain congested

sitting in my esophagus waiting to be digested

due to all the shit you been putting me through

look into my eyes and tell me I'm not being true

how dare you compare and question the love that i

had for you

you cheated physically i cheated emotionally

we cheated each other out of a relationship

now we gotta deal with the consequences

the what if's and the in-completes of life

it takes you being inebriated

your love life disintegrated

for you to realize that i was the

best you ever had

and now i know your mad

the paranoia of the situation got you going crazy

thinking about

him holding me like you held her the other night

lets think about it really

your the one that's evidently moving on

but your sitting here on my phone

females buzzing in the background

making me feel like i

did you wrong

maybe i did do you wrong

by giving up on us

but never did i lie

never allowed you to walk around blind

the love we had was young

mistakes were bound to happen

but how can i be in a relationship with you

if my trust for you ain't no longer true?

you were my present, I thought you'd be my future

but presently you

remain in my past

remain in my past.

beauty Curse.

2010-07-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

there is indeed a curse that comes along with being thick

like struggling to find the right jeans to fit this ... thing in

small waist thick thighs god someone please tell me why

why me...

yes indeed all the boys hawk and stare at me

but not in the ways that I wish to be looked and glared at

control your hands sweetheart

under my shirt is not where my minds at

your eyes piercing at my skinny leg jeans will not magically

take them off my lusciously brown skin

yeah we grindin on the dance floor

but that doesn't mean you’re taking me home

and yes I flaunt my figure in these clothes

but that doesn’t mean your guaranteed to bone

you can look but don’t touch because

i damn sure don’t know where your hands been at

but I do know where they want to go

as you attentively watch my hips sway back and fourth

I promise you'll never be bored

but the problem lies in image

I am seen as nothing but an image of sexuality

due to the frame my soul was placed in

but if you look within me there is a grace you can’t miss

a mindset that’s quite distinct

thunderous amounts of dignity

my physical being does not even compare to

a small portion of the inner me

so as you admire my curves

realize that they are indeed a blessing

...but also a curse

dear blogger peeps

2010-07-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

ive been slacking on my writing and cheating on my blogger with tumblr =X sorry i promise i will make it up to you. =]

but nobody heard me.

2010-07-10T01:44:00.000-07:00

Mind spinning

thoughts

problems

solutions

illusions

all fused into one

i took a walk

to clear my skies

and i walked

with my friend

but alone in my heart

i remained

and i walked

until my feet stopped

and for a second

the whole world stood still

and i panicked

it was too surreal

help me i screamed

but nobody heard me

then it got hot

sweat began to

drip from my forehead

help me i screamed

but my lips weren't moving

I started to pant

lungs winded

heart beat quickened

legs weakened

I got dizzy

my mind was leaving me

and the world moved faster

the world moved faster

no air left to breathe

I collapsed to the ground

HELP ME I screamed

but it was to late,

anxiety had defeated me
...once again

inspiration.

2010-07-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

everyday I wish to be inspired
but the lack of desire has me caught at a blind spot
drawing blanks as i resist withdrawing
from the current state of mind of
those days when motivation came so easily
I can mesmerize back to the times when
everything was a sign
beautiful blue clear skies would inspire
positive rhymes of freedom and life but
its like my mind rejects and declines these
superficially inspirational rhymes and
turns them into negative pulsations and questions
due to my lack of motivation
but because ones mind is simply ones own creation
it can only go where one wants to take it
these questions lift me to a whole
different altitude of thinking and dreaming
my level of thought and creation surmounts
that of a typical being
and leaves the close minded dazed and confused
limitation of inspiration does not exist
in this world filled with infinite amounts of imagination
so dont think so little of that crack in the concrete
because in the end it could breed a rose

That Day

2010-07-07T03:21:00.000-07:00

That day

was the corner of a sun ray right before it set

sharing its last bit of warmth before it went to bed

as I stare at the window pane watching the sunrise today

the disdain in my gut remains unsettled, disheveled

like the purest sense of betrayal

my heart and mind I can't seem to leverage

excuses become my gateway to a spiritual escape

it hurts too much to think ... so i don't

and feeling takes to much energy ... so i pretend to be incapable of it

That day

i could not eat because my stomach was filled with hope

but i did not dare gloat, because a part of me knew that

hope holds no weight in the matters of the heart

it serves as an appetizer to tease you and please you

before you get served a meal that you wont be able to finish

its like being fed bullshit shit with your eyes open

but

That day

i blinked and had an epiphany

my eyes re-opened and re-observed the world

like a new born baby

it's like i opened up a dictionary and saw my life in it

but there was still a chapter missing

a chapter left with blank lines

left for me to finish

and to this day I have no definition

That day

you stared into my eyes and saw that

they were darker than a cities night sky

no stars in sight just a apathetic glare

and i watched you patiently as you

aggressively emptied out your bag on to my desk

you tossed my valentines day gift out with regret

it was in a jewelery box that appeared to be wrapped with love

i opened it anxiously with caution as soon as you turned away

and i realized today that that was the day you through my heart away

Can we be grown about this? [Part 2]

2010-06-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

They say blood is thicker than water

but i guess my blood is watered down

when it comes to the pain my heart has swallowed

it holds no comparison to anything else

I will not sit here and wallow in the misery

agony stress and suffering you've inflicted on me

you've always been the oldest but to me

a role-model you've never been,

you've never done anything for me

but displace your hatred upon me

punish me for your incarcerated

self regret and feelings of failure

what sense does this make when

even a stranger can love me better

you try to live a life of sunny skies

but deep down inside your filled with green

can you please stop playing the fool and

just be grown about this

you've always placed me last in your

selfish attempts to satisfy life

tell me why I gotta pay the price for

the short comings of your lifestyle

but then again let me retrace

is it not I that allows you to smile in my

face when its convenient for you to be my Sis

just for only that day

I let you be, then you flip the switch

sometimes I'd rather talk to a wall

than talk about this because

running into a brick wall would be a bit less painless

you only find it convenient to use me

you close your eyes and turn a blind eye

to all the good things that I do for you

can you even name the last

good deed you've done for me...

but in being the oldest i guess you dont see

the rest of the layers of this family tree

but its all good because although

you couldnt just be real about things

I'm done trying to satisfy you in any way

I am going to just be grown about this.

I Should Tell You

2010-06-17T02:53:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should tell you that

im stuck between yesterday and today

because lately my stomach hasn't been feeling the same

there's no butterflies, there's just summer rain

and feeling insane, feels like there's no right lane

that i can use to escape this pain

there's nothing but traffic on memory lane and...

Maybe I should tell you that

my life has been the same

its like waking up everyday

and seeing that the world hasn't changed

every cloud is still in place

my mind hasn't delayed its just

in the same place waiting with grace

secretly hoping that one day we

will be the same and...

Maybe I should tell you that

at times in the warmest of nights

i hold my body pillow tight

wishing that it was me in your arms

im thinking of those nights where

there were no fights

just an absence of light

as we imparted on that flight

as we slept within the comfort

that only we could offer one another at night and...

Maybe I should tell you that

no one kisses me like you did

no one looks at me like you did

no one dreams of me like you did

no one cares for me like you do

no one believes in me like you do

no one thinks of me like you do and...

Maybe I should tell you that

you were the best that I ever had

even when you made me mad

to this day you can still make me laugh

its like I tried too hard to graph our destiny

I left no room for error

expected you to be superhuman

expected us to not last forever and...

Maybe I should just stop thinking

of yesterday, today and tomorrow

and just let life happen

and stop taking all the surprises for granted

maybe I should just stop playing and just tell you

I should tell you that I still love you.

Can we be grown about this?

2010-06-14T01:58:00.000-07:00

Ive been harboring some really salty thoughts

my life has been nothing short of a comedy all month long

I fooled myself to believe that

I can just turn the other cheek but

you individuals are impossible to be around

this kind of shit, I have to find some

out of the box way to deal with

formulating non existent problems from Facebook statuses

choosing sides on bogus arguments

victimizing yourselves for a hot second of attention

im convinced that you all must be bored

im just trying to naturally live lively, highly

which is impossible to do with a crew that lives lively lying

and i cant take the fact that we tip toe around bigger pictures

just too feel an extra type of way about smaller issues

and then i get dragged in...

no matter how hard i try to keep my distance

and this really isnt the first instance
but no one can seem to mind there own business

does my presence bring to you some sort of discomfort

because when im present your person doesnt look comfortable

you go out of your way to make yourself seem comfortable

but your not lying to me with all that false hood

your only lying to yourself

and then comes the pointless mind boggling drama

about he said she said to her

who saw on facebook that we said they said to us

about a status that is relevant to all but none of the above

now i dont mean to offend anybody

and this might sound kind of trifling

but next we traveling in circles with each other

dating one another like this some spanish soup-opera

we got A, B and C

who dont like D cause shes wifey

but A and B have both had 1, 2 and 3

which doesnt seem to be a problem

and there once was a time when A and B

wanted to wage a war

but now they've formed some kind of alliance

but yet we all scream and shout in whispers

trying not to resolve the bigger issue

which wouldve never been present if,

we would have all been grown about this.

Dont like it...

Leave a ~~Comment~~

<3 _The XQUiSiTe 1

hopeless case.

2010-06-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

She sprints towards stars with her head down

cringes in her bed at night hoping and dreaming

seeming to want everything and nothing all at once

a lost mind tangled in webs of misunderstandings

drowning in this quicksand of false promises

blind sighted to all the devious trenches of lies

all of this will soon lead to her demise.

Just another lesson learned

2010-06-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

this piece is for him 
not the him your all thinking about but another him
the him I constantly cross paths with for no reason
and those early moments when we would glance at one another at the same 
time was more than a appeasing
he was in love I was in love but it was like we were in love together 
but with different people
we became involved in a way that didn't make any sense
it was intriguing but misleading
the terms of agreement we're dense so like any other time I just 
agreed with out really Reading
and now I see my error in judgment I try to go back and proofread it
but I'm stuck in incomplete fragmented politically incorrect noun verb 
subject disagreements 
nothing but lies misconceptions deflections broken promises and false 
terms of endearments 
but I can't place the blame solely on his words because I was the 
foolish little girl who ate it up like baked chicken rice and beans 
with some gravy and some corn
fooled myself to believe that it was a mutual agreement beneficial to 
us both
but I just felt so alone
and it may sound silly but the confuse-ment brought me joy
if only for those few moments we encountered one another and made 
each other laugh 
or those few times he held me tightly yet gently as I cried without 
asking me questions about the reason why
or the many nights he held my hand as we slept because he knew that's 
what I liked
or for all those meaningless hugs that we shared in public that caused 
me to shiver inside
I allowed my mind to take our relationship a little farther than what 
it actually was 
so today i document it as, just another lesson learned

Coping.

2010-06-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

they said the hardest thing would be letting go
but every single time I feel alone
your the only voice I wish to hear on my phone
the only thing in this world that makes me feel whole
and here I lay alone
because I chose to let you go
and the thought of you intimately holding and kissing her
kills me slowly from head to toe
but for me to regress back to you and I when I'm feeling down just isn't right ♥

Lost (whats next for us part 2)

2010-05-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

Whats next for us...

I am stressed distressed and flexed

when i try to organize the feelings I have compressed

because im scared of feeling and dealing with us

the us that we've lost

and the lost us has cost me more than i had to give

i am emotionally in debt

my credit is declining 

ive maxed out my patience, my tolerance, and my understanding

all in one trip

and those are the least of my worries 

i gave all i had to give

ive heard you out

but i can no longer listen

ive reached out

but you seem to be at a farther distance

and i cant seem to stretch my arms far enough to reach us

its like my heart is fixated on you

but that's not enough 

its like you wont be satisfied until

you have me clenched tightly enough to only breathe your air

but understand me you never do

its like you cant see that us together is a venomous mixture of pure insanity

and your so clenched into my heart that it hurts

as i try to pull and pry you off of my soul

you got this everlasting hold

that i cant seem to control

if my pillow was a plant, it would be a forest by now

because  it gets fed every night

with the tears my eyes shed

my pillow  is more nourished than i am

crying has been the healthiest thing  that i am

there's no other outlet

you just don't get it

and I chose to let you go

i tried to let the bridge burn 

but that will never work

in order for us to disintegrate

we have to decide to let go together

but we continue to fight in order to stay together

although both options hurt us forever

and i try to keep my composure

but this is truly torture

if we belonged together

why has this weather been anything

but in our favor

and still i got to question whats next for us

but i believe the answer is a lost cost

because its gonna remain just as lost as we are.

My Fairytale

2010-05-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone
My name is Jaimie hill
and I prefer to speak properly
because I am royalty
and I bet you'll
never guess where I come from
so let me fill you in on my fortunate lifestyle

I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles
I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically,
I come from a place where I am the apple of my prince's eye and I am his one true love

Aren’t I lucky to be living this fairytale life?
Oh but wait I left a few details out

I said I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles that are twenty stories high but these castles aren't surrounded by grassy fields, they are crammed five on a 1 block radius sitting pretty on gritty concrete that is abused daily by street runners, dope boys, the homeless and those who have homes that they cannot run to

I said I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically, but do not be confused, I am not speaking of fairies or godmothers, nor of pretty little birdies, I speak of those who get high off trees cause they have nothing else to lift their spirits, and the souls that fly up to the heavens way earlier than they were meant to because they were statistics and where ponies are replaced with pit bulls and as for birds we have flying rats that we call pigeons, and as for pigeons we have dirty birds that we call smuts and whores because their lives consist of flying from one mans bed to the next as sporadically as they please searching for some one to fill a void, but they mistake the hole in their heart with the hole between their legs and little do they know that that damage is there to stay.

I said I come from a place where I am the only apple of his eye, well at least in my mind, in his he has 6, the 2 that sit pretty on my chest and the one that constitutes my rear end and then another set on the next chick and prince charming isn't as charming as he seems only until he gets what he needs and in my fairytale you don't go from princess to queen but from princess to an STD

Sometimes it seems like this reality is a fairy tale because it’s so unbelievable that it should be a fiction, but in my fairytale there is no happily ever after

And by the way if your still wondering the projects is where I reside.

Bleeding Love

2010-05-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

woke up this morning to a mascara stained pillow case

realized that my eyes bled through the night

as i began to recollect the details of our last conversation

all i heard was my heart cry and scream for some sort of salvation

he once compared our love to that of a red rose

the life the beauty the purity the innocence of a blossomed flower

the hope that it embodied the happiness that it foreshadowed

but he failed to mention that every rose has its season

and with the end of each season came a death

our love was a special case though

it didnt just die out, we held on as tightly as we could

till will strangled our rose

the pain caused a struggle that we could no longer fight

our rose bled till it could no longer exist

the manifestation of our love leaked into the sink

as we looked away because watching its blood our love float away

would bring nothing but despair

To My Use To Be Best Friend:

2010-04-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

So some one who i use to hold near and dear to my heart decided to post something about me (on FACEBOOK of course) and it went a little something like this...

"I failed..This REALization marched out of my heart and grabbed me by the throat this morning. I realized that I've been failing to break free from the past...settling for dishonesty when i deserve a relationship that will last...beyond the guise of falsehood into the light of reality...
every moment my heart beats heavy with the knowledge that u cant trust any1
not even sumone u been there for..for years nd years...because she ~~Jaimie~~ will sit there apathetically
while u drowning in ur [tears...]" _Renee

Failure is nothing but what one deems to be their own personal defeat

stop playing the victim and pick up the baggage that was intended for you to carry, if you wish to remain weary than sadly you will remain in that one spot you manifest in your lonely head filled with nothing but pain failure and regret.

I will allow you to stand there in that one spot you've been allowing your feet to sink in, if you want to drown I can not be your life guard because no one taught me to swim.

Fail, fail you have to yourself as you live in the past of your own mindset refusing to expand your own horizons as you kneel down and preach all this nonsense, casting out artificial bait to those that you love and care about the most, but once they realize its artificial they prefer to carry on alone.

You wake up every morning and stand before the sink and glare at the disguised image portrayed in the mirror but you cant see yourself because the clouds just maybe too thick, and you fight and you squint but that mirror image of yourself is afraid to reveal itself because just maybe you aren't ready to meet yourself just yet and you continue to sink.

Everything in life has a beginning, but everything doesn't have an end, if it has an expiration date than shouldn't that mean that it should've never existed in the first place.

The lies that you feed to yourself ain't nothing but Juicy Couture though, gold plated fools gold, and I feel sorry for you because you sit there and falsely claim to uphold the very values that you don't even know, the very values that got you sinking in that one spot that you now sit in alone, and you continue to sink

and I guess all I can say is, I hope you learn to swim.

Carpe Diem

2010-04-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just don't understand the weather

scientifically and philosophically

what has he written in stone for me

what paths have my life taken for me

no matter what i do i simply just cant re-route it

its like what im destined to do i can not stray away from

whether or not the weather that's destined

is what i truly want.

i sit here clueless every single day

thinking that sooner or later the itch

of curiosity will end

let me know if the real matter will sooner

or later send these messages of curiosity to my head

but in the end its all like lead poison anyways

your fooled to think that you have control over yourself

but the reality of the situation is that you don't

and guess what, forever and a day you wont

whether you choose to face it or not

the insides of me feel full but in reality

they're nothing but an empty lot

filled with junk that individuals try to recycle

and make sense of

kind of like love.

love.... so overrated it does not make sense

smh... if you understand the concepts of this emotion

could you do me the favor and put me on

cause to feel empty and alone all the time

isn't correct addition

or subtraction or division

to give more of me than im receiving

is nothing but subtraction

a huge distraction

nothing but an improper fraction

doesn't make sense but still more than capable

of existing

kind of like my mind

not many can understand it

so special, I need a special mind set to accept me

a lot of folks can not stand me

but many more can not seem to live with out me

take it or leave it

it will always be the same me

the same old lame me,

I refuse to allow anyone else to claim me

because for forever and a day I will attempt to
seize the day.

Unbalanced dependence

2010-04-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

im nice but that don't mean im ~~courteous~~ though

when you ~~need~~ i give, when i give you ~~take~~

when i need your ghost, dont sit there and boast

i feel like im drowning and depending on some one

to come rescue me but instead the person sits alone in a life boat

waiting for me to arise dead on the shore.

when will i learn not to depend on those that cant even depend on themselves

i got to stop battling this it feels like im under a spell

im sick of just giving up and climbing back in my shell

trying to mature and change my ways

result of that is you end up a step higher than all of those around you

attempting to pull you down.

I just had an epiphany

or maybe i just solved the problem to easily

ima continue to do me

because no one else has got me to the place that Im at today

mentally, physically, financially and emotionally.

I got me just as Ive always had because without me

id be nowhere.

What's Next for us

2010-02-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

his arms use to feel like home
but as he held me an alarm rang off
and i no longer felt warm
i no longer felt whole
i feel like i've encountered a storm
living in an igloo would have been better tho
maybe i should write a four page letter like aaliyah tho
but where would i begin
it wasn't me who turned off the heat
i didn't with hold a secret
that would seep in to deep
sink in to our relationship
and devour it from the outside in
i didn't creep
i wasn't the coward
and i attempted to accept the deceit
i tried to keep it all discreet
but i was the fool
because as i worried about everyone else
no one worried about me
but i was the one who dug deep
looked for the truth
when it didn't want to be sought out
found out.. and now everyone's
true colors done been brought out
the ones i trusted were called out
in this game of volley ball
i was the net
and the ball hit everything else but it
no one felt the pain i felt as it
shot up my spine
up my neck
into my brain
and then back down into my heart
that one cold relentless night
when a secret was revealed to me
from a mouth that it should not have been in
took over my insight
and reversed its emotions like icy hot
forgive you
forgive you not,
why is this even a question
in my mind when you were the one that
promised me
promised ME
PROMISED ME
that you'd never lie
you beg and plead
tried to plant this artificial seed
of regret in my brain
and then you have the
audacity to turn around
and attempt to make me feel guilty
and still i love you
the only question i have is
whats next for us...?

A well Composed Mindset

2010-02-10T21:00:00.000-08:00

One cannot distract the abstract

a disastrous commotion

creates an artistic notion

of beauty that lavishes the mind

Focus not on the noise

but take note of the voice

inside the brain

through the thunderous rain

begging to understand the pain

laughter arises as pain subsides

and sadness dives into an abyss

that lies deep down in that

darkness hidden it cries

on front street appears a frankness

of sarcasm and delight

despite the fright

than the well maintained

becomes an obstruction

A CRIME

because it is now living a lie.

Love Sick

2009-12-20T03:11:00.000-08:00

I was sick of love
til he came along
and became my therapy

I've found that
being sick of love
is something
that is only temporary

You think you find it
than find that it
wasn't what you thought
it was

You erase it
try to forget it
but you can't stop stressin
because you get caught up

You learn to praise
the single way
and try and convince
that there's nothing you miss

You try to dismiss
the thoughts of a real kiss
but deep down you know
that there is something you miss

In the back of your head
the thought of a sweet kiss
and a warm embrace
fill your brain

Then he comes along
completely headstrong
and replenishes the
dosage of love that i missed

The only time I'm sick of love
is when I'm love sick
because he gives me more love
than I could have ever dreamed

He wasn't just my therapy
he offered a complete remedy
to my heart.

Copyright.

2009-11-23T23:45:00.000-08:00

its been raining a lot lately in my life
and i refuse to place my head down
because of the pride that i possess
one second i'm on top of the world
and nothing can bring me down
the next second i'm hitting the ground
waiting for someone to help me stand

my character has suffered tremendously
because the past events of my life have played the role
of dictating who i've become
and because of this one will never know for sure how my mind truly works

i was born free to do as i please
think not to try and censor me
because i would not think twice to scream
i am a natural born wild child slash intellect
i carry myself in a manner
that causes one to second guess
my natural social stature

i should brand myself with a copyright
because another me you will never find.

Fairytale Wonder Land

2009-10-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone
My name is Jaimie hill
and I prefer to speak properly
because I am royalty
and I bet you'll
never guess what palace I come from
so let me fill you in on my very fortunate lifestyle

I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles surrounded by grassy fields
I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically, fairies, godmothers, pretty ponies and singing birdies
I come from a place where I am the apple of my prince's eye and all he has to do is place my glass slipper as he looks into my eyes to know that I am his one true love

Aren’t I lucky to be living this fairytale life?
Oh but wait I left a few details out

I said I come from a place where we reside in majestic castles that are twenty stories high but these castles aren't surrounded by grassy fields, they are crammed five on a 1 block radius sitting pretty on gritty concrete that is abused daily by street runners, dope boys, the homeless and those who have homes that they cannot run to

I said I come from a place where my royal neighborhood consists of things that fly around oh so magically, but do not be confused, I am not speaking of fairies or godmothers, nor of pretty little birdies, I speak of those who get high off trees cause they have nothing else to lift their spirits, and the souls that fly up to the heavens way earlier than they were supposed to because they were statistics and where ponies are replaced with pit bulls and as for birds we have flying rats that we call pigeons, and as for pigeons we have dirty birds that we call smuts and whores because their lives consist of flying from one mans bed to the next as sporadically as they please searching for some one to fill a void, but they mistake the hole in their heart with the hole between their legs and little do they know that that damage is there to stay.

I said I come from a place where I am the only apple of his eye, well at least in my mind, in his he has 6, the 2 that sit pretty on my chest and the one that constitutes my rear end and then another set on the next chick and prince charming isn't as charming as he seems only until he gets what he needs and in my fairytale you don't go from princess to queen but from princess to an STD

Sometimes it seems like this reality is a fiction because it’s so unbelievable that it should be a fairy tale, but in my fairytale there is no happily ever after

And by the way if your still wondering
where this pretty palace lies
the projects is where I reside.

The End.

The Simplicity of Love

2009-10-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

Love is one of the easiest things on this god given earth
why do we make it so difficult
ruin its simplicity
and take the happiness that it gives us for granted

the rules of love are written in the simple texts of our testament
why do we then transform them into unwritten ones
and further search for the hidden ones
we tend to mistake our blessings for luck

but then after we destroy it
we claim that it just was never meant to be...

Through the Glass

2009-08-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Things are often overlooked
taken for granted or misunderstood
which is why I wear glasses

because when looking through a glass
things just seem more precious
like at a museum, all of histories
garbage and remains becomes
worth more than diamonds

and through my glasses
I don't just see trees
I see branches and leaves
life and unrestrained growth
I learn to appreciate the little things
for what they are worth

and meanwhile riding in this car
in a foreign country, my country
through the window glass
I don't just see mountains,
rivers, oceans, horses, grasslands,
\mansions and slums ... I see Beauty.

Power Outage

2009-08-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

When it rains
my lights go out
and my pain hinders
cause I can not be forced
to confront what
I do not remember but
even in the dark
I can not deny it
and it drives me insane
This rain messes with
all my carefully insulated wires
and causes a shock of reality
through my soul and mentality
I thought insulated
these wires would remain controlled
but instead they were suffocated
and once the rain gave it a chance
to air out they instead exploded
but the same rain
that caused the explosion
put it out and calmed it

Ocean Depths

2009-08-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

when staring into the ocean
the depths of it almost feel surreal
as if the large body of water wasn't there
my mind dives and wanders into its seas
finding questions unanswered
and problems unsolved
but the constantly roaring waves
constantly work as a reminder
to let me know that its there
almost like a voice answering
all my questions of curiosity
all my thoughts and questions
are seemingly never ending
like the depths of the ocean

UNTOUCHED.

2009-05-10T11:01:00.001-07:00

Do not be fooled by the laughter and the smiles

Nor the nonchalant attitude that I use to avoid my true feelings of passion filled desires

My body yearns for an exclusive kind of attention

The kind that's non existent when you are not present

I need you and only you to fulfill this ecstasy

My body is deprived unnourished neglected and untouched

This feels like a torturous prison with a limited sentence

Every time we get together the gift of having you by my side is a
blessing

Cause only you can give me everything that I need

Start out gently just how I like it, whispers and kisses all down my
body

Kind of strange to know what's going on in my head isn't it

When it comes to this subject matter I'm usually vocally suppressed

...that is until we get in the bed

I can complete your every fantasy, just let me know what you need

We could trade places and I'll return every favor

The deed isn't complete unless its you between my knees making me weak

Causing me to moan and scream meanwhile my passionate filled thoughts
and dreams are fulfilled thoroughly

and to complete this happily ever after all I need is your touch.

EmpTy SpAcE

2009-04-25T00:41:00.001-07:00

I'm back to this empty room
That once made me feel comfortable and complete
But lately it’s made me feel vulnerable and weak
When I first got here I met this one door,
Empty space and 4 plain walls
So they're not strange to me
I filled this space with all of me
Everything that I needed
And everything that I wanted
To make me feel at peace
This space was a safe haven until I met him...
I often reminisce on those times when
All I needed was me myself and I
In this space
But time has changed and
This space reminds me of only him
I can bare all when I’m with him,
Not only my body but also
All the emotions within it
Anger, sadness, happiness,
Disappointment and even excitement
But without him my room feels bare
Like the empty room I began with in
The first place
One door, empty space
And four plain walls

Can you?

2009-04-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

What you see is what you get
but what about the inner me
can you get that part of me
even if it isn't seen?

Comparison

2009-04-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

You men are a joke
the way that you walk
filled with pride in every stride
swagged out from your fitted cap
to your tied up Louis V's
Straight chillin' in your fitted jeans
and in the comfort of your little Polo tees
... and still you complain

I beg you to step into my
5 inch stilletoes for only a single day
squeeze full figured thighs and hips into
some skinny jeans that leave no space
for the body to breathe
I ask you to feel this pain inside of me
that comes well ... only Monthly

Until then you little men should not dare to complain
because our genders will never compare.

DeSTiNEd.MaybE

2009-03-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

I can feel this in my heart
I know that its right
I think this is for me
as a matter of fact
It's more like im destined
I can feel the emotion
within me when I think of it
kind of like my heart
is being torn apart because
Im not a part of it
The precision
prestige and perfection
calls my name
its kind of like I was
meant to fit this frame
Its in my heart
and Im positive that
I know it now
Now the question is
... how do I show it?

Dependant

2009-03-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

The Dependable
are often mangled
left fragile
weakened and derailed
they offer constant
comfort and support
in return receive
not even hope
the Depended
often undependable
forget that they once
depended on the Dependable
and don't allow the Dependable
to depend on them
which leaves the Dependable
to depend on themselves.

bURiEd

2009-02-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

Like a child riding a bike for the first time
I have fallen and scraped my knee.
I have received the souvenir of a scar
that will follow me for the rest of my life,
and remind me of that time.

The anticipation and the thrill
convinced me to try again,
All of my friends could do it so why not I.

As i gave it another try I took a deep breath
and vowed never to make the same mistakes again.
With a push from a friend I rode the bike
as if the day would never end.

Once again my journey was interrupted
by a rock in the path, I saw it in advance
but decided that I could surpass.
Before I knew it we clashed
the rock had defeated me,
and I landed on the ground.

I lost my heart that day
I think it fell out of my pocket
and to this day my heart remains
buried in the ground.

UNSPOKEN.

2009-01-17T12:04:00.000-08:00

From day one they connected they clicked
They fit into the arms of one another like a magnet to a fridge
In the comfort of each others silence they found no need to speak
Their thoughts were unspoken like an instrumental beat
But yet the simpleness of the touch sent vibrant screams through the body
Trapped in a physical connection they were bound by the notion that vocal communication was unnecessary
Fooled to think that vocal input was filled with complications that they refused to indulge in When apart from one another each other they would miss
The thought of discussing any emotions were immediately dismissed
Hard to get was how it was played
Shy cards were the ones that were dealt
Casual categorized their encounters
And when they met they already knew what to expect
a sleepless night filled with adventure passion and pleasure
The only flaw was the absence of love

The Opposite of a Dream

2009-01-06T02:04:00.000-08:00

The most insane of ones thoughts
Dragged to the frontier of their mind by their conscience
Instances that one refuses to face in the day light
Come to life as the sun falls
As the dark skies plague what use to be blue
And Ones body begins to soothe
The body falls into a slumber that it cannot refuse
And that's when it happens
The darkness of the sky takes over the brightness of the mind
And soon one becomes trapped in a darkness that it can not deny
It is a different form of ones true life
A darker more exaggerated version to help one realize what is to come
To warn them that they can not run
They are Trapped in a trance
Lost in a nightmare
Is what they are

Comfort Zone

2008-12-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

when the world seems to be ending
and theirs nowhere to escape
i have a secret getaway
where i can be and think what i please
where i can sit and know my strengths and weaknesses
a place where no one can knock me down any lower
where i can reveal me to myself
the one place in this house where i can understand myself
i don't have to constantly look over my shoulder
i don't have to worry about anyone judging every particle of my being
a peaceful zone where no one interrupts my train of thought
an area of recollection where i can think of my reason for existing
the place i use to run to as a child
to escape the terrors of a well deserved beating
this place i call the bathroom floor
where all my problems disappear
and today as i sit here
i feel these womanly pains pushing against my abdomen
causing my emotions to intertwine
forcing me to show the one face i prefer to hide
this is the place where i find myself admitting that i am not all right
and as i sit here
feeling that sensation of pride in my nose
that burning feeling that's inflicted within it
that's caused when i forcefully hold my tears and emotions back
it occurs when i fight against the truthfulness that my tears speak
the force that i use to keep my tears within me
i leave my pains and sorrows lost inside of me
so many tears inside of me i should be drowning
and as i sit here drowning in my emotions
i concentrate on this pain in my abdomen
stabbing into me so sharply in order to create a leak
to allow my tears to go free
to remind me that my heart is not three sizes to small
its thirty sizes to BiG !
and these are the times that i hate me
the times that i want to escape me
but how can i escape the real me
this comfort zone of mine does not lie to me

Chapter One.

2008-12-20T01:41:00.000-08:00

"baby come over i just had a few drinks

i want you to visit, so come make me complete

we been talking for a minute

and you already know what it is

i'm feeling your swagger and i want you to be with me"

as he contemplates in his mind
about what his next move should be
he thinks about women and how they make him weak
he refuses to be tied down
but is this an offer he can resist
he responds after a minute
"iight ima come thru just for you"
as the conversation ends

she jumps for joy
as she thinks of the words that she just heard
she looks over to her friend
as she smiles she says

"he said he'll come thru

but i really want him to be my boo

i just like him so much

his appeal is so tough

but he just touches all my soft spots

i want to find out why he's not willing to

give me a chance to be his one and only

i want him to come only so he can hold me"

as her friend listens to what she has to say
they discuss not doing anything that she would
later regret
for her friend already knows
where this is going to go
so she says to her

"you already know what shorties coming here for

your grown so do you

you know what its worth

let your mind navigate

don't allow lust to devour it"

the long awaited knock occurrs
so she tells her friend that she has to go.

... to be continued

ApoLogY

2008-12-06T02:54:00.000-08:00

i want to say that your erased
dead and gone from my memories
the mention of your name causes a distaste in my mouth
you were nothing but a figment of my imagination
a small segment of temporary entertainment
hope your feeling sad and replaced
better yet used and thrown away
i want to say that you meant nothing to me
meeting you was the biggest mistake of my life
and that moving on was easily done
but then i'd be lying

truth is i dont know what to do
dont know what to say
so instead im going to apologize to your heart

because there is no way that i can relieve you from this ~~heartbreak~~ that your feeling.

i did not mean to cause the false smile that you keep revealing.

i'm just trying to be honest, which is what i do best.

i can not hold on to you when i know for a fact that its gonna ~~end~~ up in a mess.

if you and i were meant to be

we would have been a long time ago

but yet still it ~~hasn't~~ been.

friends till the end is what i sing.

because for ever and i day i will love you the same

even if its only in a friendship way

and i am happy today

not because you are in ~~pain~~

but because i know that i have made the right decision once again.

i will continue to spread my wings and soar like an eagle..

where i will land is a mystery to all.

if i will i ever land is the question that i ask.

i know that you dont realize that it hurt me to hurt you

but i had to do what i had to do

especially when it was in the best interest of the both us

just a thought

2008-12-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

the worst thing in the world is to be ignored
be in the middle of a sentance and hear the click of the phone
to write a message and never get a response in return
all I can ask is that you respect me in the same ways that I respect you
don't be fooled and mislead by my sweetness
take it for granted and it will be taken from you

My RadiO

2008-11-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

my mind has ran out of thoughts
and in pain my life remains
the only thing i can result to
are those radio waves

as they flow out of my speakers
they run into my veins
as if to let me know
that everything will be okay

these waves they circulate through me
reassuring that i will survive
this wholesome pain

and as i turn the volume up high enough
to blow my eardrums out
so that i can hardly hear myself talk
the waves replace the blood in my veins

it causes my thoughts to stop working
to stop my brain from hurting
to stop my mind from thinking
and stops my heart from feeling

instead of a heartbeat i feel a bass
instead of reciting my problems to myself constantly
i focus on the chorus between each verse
and instead of crying myself into a dreary slumber
the tremble rocks me so heavenly into my dreams

and just as i'm almost cured i realize that the battery is running low
and i panic realizing
that these are the last batteries that i own
and after they die i will have no more

what will happen when My RadiO is DEAD
what will come alive that will
see these invisible marks of pain
mask my nonexistent everlasting sadness
and hear my screaming whispers for help

what will hold me up as gravity
focuses on pulling me down
what will send me to sleep when insomnia makes me its victim

and as my eyes bleed endlessly what will save me
i've depended on My RadiO so long
never did i think that it would be gone

what will make me dance when i'm alone
bring me heat when i am froze
seek out the light when my eyes are closed
what will be there for me
when i simply just don't know
as for now i'm going to just leave it alone
because for some reason i know
that i can always rely on My RadiO

OriGiNAL

2008-10-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

i was born individually
cant you see it physically
my life has been no fairytale
and even then i never fail
im not like the common chick
can't you see im kind of thick
i have a mind set to match it
my brain is like a match lit
my thoughts are on fire
as long as i'm inspired
take a look at my attire
the shit you rock is expired
your mind set is ridiculous
your envy towards me is meticulous
the way you stare is sickening
and your fear of me is quickening
this drama thing is overrated
there's no reason for all your hatred
forever you will be just that person
your popularity will just worsen
open up your eyes and look up at the sky
realize that there is sunshine
hopefully it'll awaken you
and help you realize your mistakes
just grow up, for every bodies sake

iNSoMniaC

2008-10-02T03:16:00.001-07:00

Insomnia is what she faced for nights that felt as though they lasted longer than eternities.
Until she lay beside him that night, sleep was something that was foreign to her.
As she rested her head across his chest, the beat of his heart served as a lullaby and fast asleep she fell.
Although his heart beat was not a song in any way dedicated to her she felt so right as she lay there beside him.
She remained held by him through that night, in his bed where insomnia no longer existed.
No cares no worries... nothing to live up to.
Just enough sense to make it to the next day.
The next day, in his arms were the least of her concerns as she caught up to that sleep she had been waiting so long for.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

2008-09-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Promotional SonGs ((ClicK on the links))

2008-09-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

When i grow up RmX - PCds DidDY FaTmAnScOop and RoCk CiTy : The end of the song is hot, i personally think that diddy needs to stop rapping =(
Man in your life - JoE : ii LuV it
No1 Sex - R. Kelly Ft. Keri Hilson : This joint is confusing, but nevertheless hot. it seems as though r. Kelly has found t-pains secret singing machine but it makes him sound very feminine
i need Love - Lloyd ft. the DreaM : beatiful song all the way
Lovers thing - Ciara ft the DreaM : unreleased!!!
Shouldve been You- The DreaM : not on his album XtreMeLy hOT!!
WorK - Ciara : DanCe Song
Usually - Mya : LoVe iT

Myself

2008-09-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

once i was afraid of myself
scared to be myself
because i did not know myself
in the mirror i would not face myself
the image i saw of myself
was one that was unfamiliar to myself
i would cry for myself
instead of finding myself
i fabricated myself
to fit everyone else's view of myself
i was worth nothing to myself
until i realized that i was by myself
i live for myself
breathe for myself
stand by myself
i depend on myself
alone, i have never found myself
because i know that i have myself
as long as i know that i am myself
and forever i will love myself
even if that means being by myself

Thoughts

2008-08-29T02:23:00.000-07:00

ive opened my eyes and realized that i do know what i want but i hold myself back
i cant help but feel as though every time i meet someone new im wasting my time
i know what i need i know what im looking for
but the constant and ever so present fear of getting hurt turns my emotions off automatically
no matter how hard i try to give all of me
all of me resists to being given
i want something so real that it hurts
so true it seems unbelievable
and not perfection either
those who search for perfection fall for nothing but persuasions
im done with the games
done with searching for the fairytale ending
i know what i want and i want it now
but what i want takes time to get too
my patience is thin but for this i believe i can contain myself
its 5 in the morning and i cant sleep
wondering why i gave more than i was willing to give
why i allow my feelings to get ahead of my mind
and its almost as though i want to give up
but theres nothing else out there
it seems like no one is out there for me
willing to be with me for my best interest
in the end of the day it falls down to one thing

'Givers .. Takers .. Workers .. Snatchers'

2008-08-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

For as long as i can remember I've always categorized myself as a taker. I take what i like and expect everything that i want, but i have realized through recent encounters with various other people that in comparison to them i am not simply a taker. I honestly believe that i work hard and deserve everything that i give myself, from material things to accomplishments. I am a determined individual and i do anything that it takes to get what i want done and once i receive such a prize i appreciate it thoroughly. No one hands me anything to just take simply because i want it, but even worse than takers are snatchers. Snatchers are people who don't appreciate whats given to them. They don't think twice about how or why they are recieving anything. They take advantage and don't take the time to realize the hard work that was put into the object or action in question.
In my opinion appreciation is something that is truly lacking in todays society, or at least it isnt well expressed. I'm not saying that I have praised every good deed but I have taken a second out of my day every once in a while to think of all the good that Ive been blessed with. It soothes my mind to think about the positive rather than dwell on the negative. Today I was extremely annoyed by a member of my family who receives everything she pleases mainly because everyone gives it to her but she does not take and thank instead she snatches and complains. Hopefully, rather sooner than later, she will realize the arrogance of her actions and look back and feel ashamed.
Bottom line is that Workers recieve what they deserve, givers give to whom ever they feel, takers take from whomever turn to snatchers. Where do you fall in this food chain?

WhAT aM ii LoOkiiN FoR??!!??

2008-07-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

if im not worth the struggle 

your not worth my time

if you cant understand my complex mentality

then you can never exist in my reality

you and i together is like a fatal attraction

but every other guy i see is a better distraction

i don't know what i need

cant pick what i want

only time will tell whether or not i need anything at all

..oVeR Nd OuT..

2008-06-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

if you play with my emotions
You'll get crossed off
just protect me from the rain
and i will never clear you out
fuck around and try me
i'll be gone faster than
you can get your lite feet
don't get mad and play games with me
because i refuse to be your wifey
you may like me
cuz i am a bad1
but its summer you see
and i am in love with no one
i must let you know what we once had was sweet
but now its just something like a bad cavity
you might be able to do it for most ladies
but you can't do it for me
i'm far from average
more like a maverick
you'll probably never understand me
and thats sad see
because i've been nothing but honest
and will continue to be
if you can't handle it
Go StuPid and leave please
because for no one will i ever
put on a show
so imma shake you off right quick
while your audience claps it up indeed
and as i lay myself down to sleep
i smile uncontrollably
and i ain't actin brandnew
you just never knew me
i refuse to indulge in your silly games
so sweety im gonna simply walk away
so miss what we had
because you and i will never be the same.

WorRiEd

2008-05-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

I CRAVE THE UNATTAINABLE
STRIVE FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE
I DO NOT PLACE MYSELF ABOVE ANY OTHERS
BUT I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE BELOW THEM EITHER
ITS PAINFUL WATCHING THOSE THAT YOU LOVE DISINTEGRATE
THEY RATHER LIVE LIFE DYING THAN LIVE LIFE TRYING
THEY SMOKE AND DRINK THERE PAINS AND SORROWS AWAY
INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH REALITY
IT SEEMS AS THOUGH ITS A PANACEA
BUT ITS REALLY NOTHING BUT A PLACEBO
A MAKE BELIEVE TEMPORARY CURE FOR ALL THE PAIN
ITS NOTHING BUT RUNNING AWAY
ITS REALLY SAD WITNESSING THEIR PAIN
MY EYES TURN TO CLOUDY SKIES WHEN I THINK OF THEM
I CAN DO NOTHING ELSE BUT PRAY FOR THEM
THIS WAY OF LIVING IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF THEM
ALTHOUGH THEY'VE ENCOUNTERED NOTHING BUT THUNDERSTORMS IN THEIR LIVES
THEY SHOULD FOCUS ON FINDING THE SUNSHINE AFTER THE RAIN

OkaY

2008-04-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

i admit to myself that i messed up
found myself getting caught up
in a web that i did not want to be a part of
fame, games, lames
lies, deciet, what a shame
nothing worth the time of day

i dont usually allow myself to become vulnerable
but with you i took a risk
my heart was trapped behind locks and chains
and i handed you the key
i dont like to show weakness
but with you i shared my deepest fears
i've never allowed my true emotions
to play a part in my relationships
but with you they just appeared

and thats where i went wrong

i allowed him to cross the line
i allowed him to attach his heart to mine
i allowed myself to be so foolish
all by alowing myself to become vulnerable to my emotions.

FeeLiNG SoME TyPe oF WaY

2008-04-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

although timidity wont allow my mouth to form the words to express whats on my mind

the things that i am feeling are impossible to hide
the thought of
his hands caressing me softly
his succulent lips brushing against every secret part of my body
his gentle whisper into my ears
the thought of reaching a climax that i will feel for the rest of the year
all these thoughts they have me bothered
im sexually frustrated
by choice
isn't that pathetic

..ReViTiLiZaTiON..

2008-04-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

Dancing is my revitalization
So much more than ones greatest obsession
Almost like the WORST addiction
Without it my minds conflicted
I've always adored the art of dance
But I never thought that i'd be given the chance
To express myself so vividly
~~ESCAPE~~ the world so quickly
I recieve the strongest RUSH
My ~~PROBLEMS~~ all get FLUSHED
I feel like i've been STRUCK
For these few seconds no one can change my luck.

HaRd TiMEs

2008-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

i live my life the only way that i can
day by day and step by step
i try my best to stay ahead of the game
even when i feel as though my life is a shame
lately the sunshine hasn't brought me happiness
instead it feels like acid rain
it makes me feel like i'm going insane
as i drown in the bright of light provided by the sun raining down upon my heart
burning me down instead of inspiring me to overcome
all i can think is how could such a precious object of nature
one of Gods most greatest creations
inflict me with such pain
just by a simple mention
i lose my train of thought
the connection i once had to it no longer exists
no longer can i look to the sun for guidance no longer can i expect support
i reminisce on those days where i was the seed
my only necessities came from the sun
now when i look to it
it only burns my eyes
causes me to cry
until my eyes are burnt dry.

CauTiOn

2008-03-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

i Proceed with caution
no matter the circumstances
especially when it involves my emotions
and allowing myself to become ~~VULNERABLE~~
the more that i realize that your not within my grasp
the more i want what i cannot have
i already know how the story is going to go
i'm the one that's going to end up so hurt
that's why i've tried to place you in the friend zone
to reassure that my heart will remain in a safe zone
your second to her and i'm ~~second~~ to YOU
if life hasn't taught me anything else
i've learned to know that to ME i ALWAYS come FIRST
the chance of me truly attaining you wholly
physically mentally and emotionally
will always remain inexsistently impossible

Re-EvALuaTioN

2008-03-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

im so proud of myself

im trying to write without thinking
cuz my thoughts r telling me different
why shud i be proud
i can hardly deal with my daily life
ive been crying for no reason
but smiling like my life is a fiction
avoiding real deals
eating small meals
ignoring the bigger picture
arguing daily with my sisters
something in my mind just isnt clicking
its like sumthings missing
i tend to convince myself that nothings wrong
i go on smiling and carrying on
as if there are no worries
like there are no more sad chapters in my story
sometimes i just feel so lonely
even when he holds me
even at a party
im in my own zone
going by my own flow
Living my life alone
people r trying to fight me
force me to let them in
i push them out
and lock them out
now all i have to figure out is why?